Hairy Hood!!!
by Melora
Summary: A crossover between Harry Potter and Robin Hood. This fic contains insanity, pee-in-your-chair humor, Little Ron, Maid Ginnian, Hairy Hood (cough!) and of ourse The Dread Pirate Droopy-Eye, Horrors! R/r!!!
1. The Begining

Hairy Hood Cast List: ****

Hairy Hood Cast List:  
  
Harry...........................................Hairy Hood (Robin Hood)  
Ginny...........................................Maid Ginnian (Maid Marion)  
Ron................................................Little Ron (Little Jon)  
Hermione....................................Hermhilda (Ginnian's maid)  
Snape.......................................Sheriff of Snapingham (Sheriff of Nottingham)  
Draco.............................................Prince Draco (Prince Jon)  
Neville.........................................Friar Longbottom (Friar Tuck)

Seamus, Dean, Fred, George, Lee, Colin and Dennis Creevey……………….......Merry men  
Hedwig..................Hairy Hood's faithful steed, 'Steed' (Robins Horse)  
Lavender, Parvati, Pansy, and Padma.....................Ditzy Lasses/Bonnie Milkmaids  
Dumbledoor.............................................King Richard  
Voldemort................................................The Evil Pirate Droopy-eye

Wormtail.................................................Hangman

Cho Chang............................................. Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes

Hairy Hood

Chapter I

The Beginning

__

In which most everyone, including a beautiful angel, make their debut, evil villains kill people, 

and very stupid escape plans are afoot, as well as some snogging.

Once in the land of A-Place-In-England, a very crusty long time ago, there was a King, King Richard, to be exact, and there was happiness and glory throughout the Kingdom, for everyone loved the Kind Ruler. Then, during one of his many daring crusades, King Richard was captured and held prisoner by non other than the Dreaded Evil Pirate, Droopy-eye! Horrors! Without a King, the land was in a state of anarchy, and all the little villagers were worried. The only thing to do, it seemed, was to appoint King Richard's mis-fit son, Prince Draco. 

Now, it must be known that not everyone liked Prince Draco, on account of the fact that he fancied picking his nose at important functions, and talking very loudly and being exceptionally greedy and highly annoying. So it was, that many villagers were put-out and cranky. These certain villagers (who happened to be 87% of the citizens in the land A-Place-In-England) rallied against Prince Draco. Draco was very angry about this, and ordered them all to be put to death. Sadly though, the goustine was too dull to behead anyone (on account of the fact that no one got in trouble when King Richard was King, for, like I said, they all loved him). So Draco decided instead, to take their money. Taxes were raised throughout the land A-Place-In-England, and people began to suffer. 

Now you are saying, where is our hero When shall he deliver these poor people? Well keep your britches on, I'll get to him next. There was once a rich family by the name of Hood. They were very rich, and being so, they could afford trips to the Bahamas, which is where they were during the capture and replacement of King Richard. Sailing back from the Bahamas on their yacht, the Hoods were captured by non other then The Evil Pirate Droopy-eye! Horrors! 

Held hostage by T.E.P.D-e., Hairy Hood got to know King Richard quite well, for he had to share shackles with him. A well-informed beggar next to them informed them of the state of the land A-Place-in-England, and Hairy Hood's home, Snapingham. They were appalled. Later that day, Hairy Hood's parents (Lillian and Jamerson) were murdered by The Evil Pirate Droopy-eye, Horrors! When Hairy Hood contemplated this, King Richard spoke to him. 

"My Son," (King Richard calls everyone his son, even his late wife, on account of the fact that he lost his many years ago and secretly hopes whoever he is talking to is, in fact, his son) 

"My Son, you parents were killed to protect you. They loved you very much." 

"But my King, why them? What did he have against them?" 

"Someday, my son, someday I will tell you." And King Richard smiled and fiddled with ring on a chain around his neck. This ring, it was said, was the partner to the one his son wore, the only other one in the world. 

And so it was, that King Richard and Hairy Hood devised a very bad escape plan. It was this: for Hairy Hood to walk the plank into shark filled waters and swim (with the bodylock on him, too) to the land A-Place-In-England,-Which-In-Fact-Is-England, and help gather arms to help pay the Kings ransom. So, late one night, Hairy Hood stumbled onto the deck, his feet the only thing that had not been binded, and jumped over board. 

Now, all signs point to the inevitable: Hairy Hood drowning. But, signs are misleading, for, unbeknownst to any, The Guardian Angle of Stupid Dudes had her eye on Hairy Hood. And when he jumped over, she cast a spell to raise him into the air. At first, Hairy Hood was very put-out that she had stopped his daring escape mid-way, but when he saw her beauty, he didn't mind one bit, oh no sir! And the Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes said unto him: 

"Unto you a child is born-I mean, wait a second, that was those stupid, shepherds, not a stupid hero, never mind. Sigh, my life is soooo difficult, or is it my death, because I am dead...hmn. Interesting." And The guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes pondered this, floating above the ocean, stroking her chin deep in thought. Hairy Hood didn't mind though, he just floated and stared at her amazing beauty. He even composed a song about it. When The Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes finally snapped out of it, it was daylight and many stupid fishermen were pointing and goggling. She frowned at them and their boats, snapped her fingers, and they all started jumping out of their boats yelling, "I'm free!" and pretended they were dolphins. She turned to Hairy Hood again, she had forgotten he was there. 

"Oh yes, you again. Unto you I reveal myself, the Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes. I have been watching over you sense you fell off a horse and landed on your head. There now, what stupid idea was this! Jumping off of a ship into shark infested waters!? The Stupidity!" she glared at him, and before he could say more, he found himself washed up on the shores of a beach, in front of a great manor. 

Hairy Hood sat up, where was he? Suddenly, down the beach streaked a woman, scream and hurtling towards him. he stood up and brushed himself off, only to be knocked over by the over exuberant woman. 

"Oh Odysseus my love! You have come back to me!: and before Hairy Hood that his name was not Odysseus, a major snog fest took place. When the woman finally got off him, a great while later, he brushed himself off and looked at this woman. She gasped. 

"You are not my love Odysseus! When shall he ever return to me!" and she broke down sobbing. he tried to comfort her, but she pushed him away, babbling something about her husband never forgiving her for cheating on him, for he was loyal and true and would _never _cannoodle with another woman. (Author's Note: Odysseus in fact canoodled a lot on his voyages, and was really pissed off when he was given reason to believe his wife even smiled at a member of the opposite sex) 

So Hairy Hood reluctantly left the woman, keeping his eyes peeled for any land marks. Eventually, days later, he stumbled upon what was once his family's property. It was in ruins, and a sign stood in the middle of the rubble: 

****

FOR SALE

THIS LAND IS HEREBY REMOVED FROM THE HOOD'S

CARE FOR TAX EVASION VIA CAPTURE AND HOLDING

VIA THE DREADED EVIL PIRATE DROOPY-EYE. HORRORS!

FOR MORE INFORMATION, CALL 1-900-PROPERTY.

Hairy Hood was very sad, for many of his favorite retired 'internet' pictures were probably buried deep within the rubble. But Hairy Hood, being very resourceful, was able to erect a shelter in the woods near his old house and live quite peacefully for a while, concocting a plan. 


	2. The Tower's Dwellers

Hairy Hood

Hairy Hood

Chapter II

The Tower's Dwellers

__

In which Fair Maid's with attitude problems disperses presents upon heads,

nifty theme songs are heard, mud is thrown, and there is a strike.

Once in a land That'-actually-is-England-a-crusty-long-time-ago, there was a fair maiden named Maid Ginnian. Never fairer was a wench then she, never a more sot after girl was there, which merited bars and locks on her windows. On this day, while Hairy Hood hunted and lived in the forest, she sat outside on her balcony. 

"The hills are alive, with the sound of music" 

"Ahhhhh-ah-ah-ah!" trilled her bonnie hand-maiden Hermhilda. 

"With sounds they have suuuuung, for a thousand yeeeeears! My heart will be blessed with the sound of muuuuusic, and I'll sing a song..." The Fair Maid Ginnian extended a perfectly manicured finger to a fluttering bluebird, who trilled sweetly. 

"Oh my pretty, how I wish I could fly as you do, to be free of my confinement, to roam the hills and see the world, to meet my one true love!" and Maid Ginnian heaved a great sigh, as did the bonnie hand-maiden Hermhilda, who felt the same. 

Suddenly, the bluebird made a very un-romantic squawk, and The Fair Maid Ginnian held it out over the balconies edge high above the hopeful stupid suitors below, and so, presents were dispersed. 

"Head's up!" Maid Ginnian trilled sweetly, grinning like the witch in the high tower. 

"HA HA HA HAAAAA!" and The fair Maid Ginnian swooped back into her room in the tower and sat down upon her bed and brushed her long shimmering red hair. 

"Miss, oh Miss! I would not have done that, oh dear! At this rate you will die an old spinster!" But what the bonnie hand maiden Hermhilda really meant was: 

"Miss, oh Miss! You should not have done that, oh dear! At this rate I will die an old spinster!" For it was known throughout the land that only the Fair Maid Ginnian's true love could find a way into the tower that she was trapped in with her bonnie hand-maiden Hermhilda. And until then, Hermhilda was doomed to the same fate as her mistress. 

"Oh woe is me, bonnie hand-maiden Hermhilda, my only confidant, for you are right, I may grow old and ugly a spinster, but better then old and ugly and married to a slow witted cockroach!" 

"Ah me, young love!" Hermhilda sighed as she picked up her embroidery "Is there a man you have met then, once upon a dream that you hope will one day come to give you true loves kiss?" The fair Maid Ginnian looked up in surprise. 

"Whaaaaaaat?" Maid Ginnian jumped off her chair and scrounged around under her chair, finally pulling out a dusty old tomb that read: 

~HAIRY HOOD SCRIPT~

And shoved it in the bonnie hand maiden's face. "See? See? Sleeping Beauty is next month!" Hermhilda mumbled incoherently about strong-minded wenches. 

"Be you fancying someone then miss?" 

"Much better." The fair Maid Ginnian sniffed "Nay nay! Double Nay! It is not so, you silly, silly maid!" 

"Oh SHUT UP!" Hermhilda, who was short on the temper side, flung her embroidery out the window. 

"Ah! Ah my eye! My eye! Cupid's arrow has struck me in the eye!" 

"Idiot! That's a needle!" 

"Nay, Nay! Double Nay! It was Cupid's-" 

"Hey!" The Fair Maid Ginnain stuck her head out the window. "That's my line you idiot! If I wasn't trapped in this bloody tower I'd come down there and beat you up!" 

"I quit!" 

"You can't quit, you're besotted with me!" 

"I QUIT!" 

"You can't quit, you're my not-so-bonnie-hand maiden!" 

"That's it! Bring it on girlfriend." 

"I QUIT!" 

"You can't quit! Hairy Hood needs someone to save!" 

"I QUIT!" 

"Who are you?" 

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh..." 

"Yeah!? How did you get in our tower???" 

"Intruder? Aha! Take that! And that and.. Hiiiiiiiiiiii-ya! And that!" (For it was widely known that both The fair Maiden Ginnian and The Bonnie Hand-Maiden Hermhilda were thoroughly versed in Hi-Chi-nochu.) 

~

Hairy lived in the forest for about a month, living on deer, nuts and squirrels. But he grew tired of his life, and decided that to avenge his parents death, he would win back his land and slay the Dread Evil Priate Droopy-eye. But after his first bout with the Prince Draco's lawyer (who owned the land and was renting it very expensively), which ended with a warrant for his arrest, for it was widely known that Hairy Hood disliked lawyers, he realized he could not rebel against the nose-picking monarch alone, and he set out in search of other men who had been wronged by Prince Draco. 

At every village he came to, he spoke to every man he could see that looked healthy enough to wield a weapon. He even recruited his old Cub-Scout group, who knew how to make bird sounds and track humans and animals alike, and therefor were helpful to the extreme. But it was hard for poor Hairy Hood, for being none to smart, he had many near-death experiences and near arrests, where, in the end, only the beautiful Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes could save him. 

Soon he had started his own camp in the woods, full of young men ready to fight for truth and justice for all. The men came from towns all around A-Land-That-is-England-a-Crusty-Long-Time-Ago, and every rich lord they plundered, a bit of the wealth went to each town. 

It was one of the more boring days, for nothing had happened as of yet, all sentries were bored, and all the men at the camp sat around, picking there teeth and belching most un-heroically, when suddenly, the distinct call of a whooperwhil came flitting through forest, once, twice, three times it trilled before it cooed loudly and was silent. The men jumped to their feet, grabbing their bows and arrows and staffs, and rushed to the back road t(As directed by Dander's call) that was not commonly used, where three gold plated carriages (as depicted by Dander's call) rumbled by. The men hid in the bushes unseen, until O' Heroic Hairy gave the signal (A bluebirds whistle) and the stepped on the road and surrounded the carriages, which stopped jerkily. 

"Halt! Come out into the sun, my friends or foes! For it is a fine day, much too sunny for it to be spent inside a stifling carriage!" slowly the three carriage doors opened, and three young women, two portly gentlemen, a scrawny youth, and a large lady with two babies came out. The young women exchanged looks of terror, excitement and flirtation as they glanced at Hairy Hood. The woman rocked her babies and glared round at them, the portly gentlemen glanced nervously at the driver and to the trunk of the carriage, and the scrawny youth took a fighting stance, fists up, nose running. 

"W-who are you?" The large woman asked angrily. Hairy Hood looked round at his men in surprise.  
"You know not who we are, Madam? Why, that is absurd, for I am sure we are infamous for our job." and Hairy Hood swept a bow. 

"He's the outlaw and vagrant Hairy Hood, Mamma!" The scrawny youth yelled as he waved his fists under hairy Hood's Roman nose, not quite able to reach it. At this statement, one of the young women fainted to the ground, and they others clustered beside her, giggling nervously and cast brazen looks upon Hairy Hoods, um, britches. The second gentleman's face turned pale. 

"N-not the Hairy Hood?" he stuttered. 

"The one and only!" Hairy Hood swept another bow, which was accompanied by the ripping of his britches, which cause the large woman to sigh disgustedly and the three girls (the unconscious revived) to giggle uproariously. Hairy Hood turned a startling shade of red. 

"The scalawag! The mongrel!" The scrawny youth wound up a punch, but missed Hair Hood in his excitement and landed in a pile of mud. 

"Ah! So you play dirty! Take that! And that!" The scrawny youth picked himself up and threw mud at Hairy Hood, missing altogether. 

"N-not the Hairy Hood?" The second gentleman stuttered again, in shock. 

"Yes." said Hairy Hood impatiently. And his men opened their mouths and sang his not-so-bad-if-i-do-say-so-myself-and-i-do theme song: 

"Hairy Hood, Hairy Hood, riding through the Land, 

"Every girl wishes that he'd ask for her hand." (The three young ladies giggled furiously) 

"Hairy Hood, Hairy Hood so brave and so grand!" 

"And twitches quite amusingly when his britches are full of sand!" 

"What!?" Hairy Hood glared. :The last line is supposed to be And will reduce Prince Draco's reign to sand! Arg!"


	3. Ronald of Weasel Downs

Hairy Hood Cast List: ****

Hairy Hood Cast List:  
  
Harry...........................................Hairy Hood (Robin Hood)  
Ginny...........................................Maid Ginnian (Maid Marion)  
Ron................................................Little Ron (Little Jon)  
Hermione....................................Hermhilda (Ginnian's maid)  
Snape.......................................Sheriff of Snapingham (Sheriff of Nottingham)  
Draco.............................................Prince Draco (Prince Jon)  
Neville.........................................Friar Longbottom (Friar Tuck)

Seamus, Dean, Fred, George, Lee, Colin and Dennis Creevey……………….......Merry men  
Hedwig..................Hairy Hood's faithful steed, 'Steed' (Robins Horse)  
Lavender, Parvati, Pansy, and Padma.....................Ditzy Lasses/Bonnie Milkmaids  
Dumbledoor.............................................King Richard  
Voldemort................................................The Evil Pirate Droopy-eye

Wormtail.................................................Hangman

Cho Chang............................................. Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes

Hairy Hood

Chapter III

****

Ronald of Weasel Downs

__

In which our hero meets a friend on a trek for the castle, underlying plots are

cultivated, families are partially reunited, and as always,

help from the Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes.

0

After pillaging yet another jewel and gold encrusted carriage, Hairy Hood and his band of Merry Men were feeling very confident in their cleverness, and decided that tonight was the night to face Prince Draco. This was an especially good night, for that evening was that of a great ball, held in Prince Draco's honor. Many important figureheads would be there, as well as their bonny daughters. One among these was Maid Ginnian.

Now you may remember that Maid Ginnian was trapped in a tower until her one true love could rescue her? Well, the author realized that she really, really, really, wanted her to meet Hairy Hood at the ball, so she formed a small, itty-bitty plot hole _just this once_. It will never ever happen again, she promises.

~

Hairy Hood and his band had been hurrying towards the castle (not too fast, as to be fashionably late and make a grand entrance, of course). But they were been running a little late on the account of the fact that Hairy Hood, although brave and wise and true and great and masculine and macho and superior and handsome and modest and caring and strong and amazing and poetic and manly and a good dancer, was just a tad, just a little bit, vain. He had tried on about 50 different pairs of leggings (all various colors of green) and modeling them for his band. He finally decided on his Debonair-Air-Forest-Green-Imitation-Deer-Hide-Flexo-Brand ones, that were unseemingly tight, but flexible enough that he would not have to repeat the embarrassing process earlier mentioned in Chapter 2.

So as I was saying, they were running a bit late, and got a wee bit lost. Of course, they knew they were in Hogwartwood Forest, but in it was an altogether different matter. The forest was known for it's Wood nymphs trying to lure un-suspecting men off the trail (to Hairy Hood, they all looked remarkably like The Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes).

When almost all hope was lost of ever finding the castle, they heard singing off in the distance:

_"Ah, ain't the trees a lovely?_

"And the sky so Bluuuue?"

"Ah my dear Miss Elly,"

"How I miss youuuu!"

"Hark!" cried Hairy Hood, his hands clamped firmly over his ears. "Who be there! I entreat you, stop that noise, we will pay you much and plenty, just _don't sing!!!"_

Out from behind a tree, tripped a tall, gangly youth with shocking red hair, or it would have been if he washed it every now and then….

"Are you saying you dislike my singing?" he asked menacingly, towering over Hairy Hood, who was no tall man.

"Um, "dislike" is a strong word, my good fellow…um…umm…how about 'can't understand the beauty of it'?" (The guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes helped a bit there)

"If you insult my singing, you insult me! Prepare to duel!!!" Hairy Hood was rather taken aback.

"But you see-I didn't mean…um….." The red-headed youth reached down to pick up a large staff, but as he bent, a rather rude noise was made.

"Hey!" He yelled, turning scarlet "Who did that!" he glared embarrassedly. Three Merry men cackled evilly in the back. "You!" he yelled, and started swinging his staff at them, Hairy Hood (to his relief) was forgotten.

But as the crowd parted to let him and his rather large stick through, he was stopped, starring at two of the troublemakers. They were identical, and both had shocking red hair. Being in the back, they hadn't gotten a good look at the red-headed youth, but now they did.

"Ron?" said one with an orange patch on his shoulder.

"It can't be!" Exclaimed the other, with blue tie-dyed shoelaces. And the three of them rushed together in a big group hug. Hairy Hood and the others stood around nervously.

"Ah, well then…" said Hairy Hood uncertainly "I guess we better." and he motioned his men to move in. They threw themselves into the hug. By the added pressure of the rest of the crew, the red-headed long-lost brothers (as it was deduced) were rather squashed and rumpled.

After body parts had been restored to their proper positions, the red-headed youth introduced himself.

"I am, or rather was, Ronald of Weasel Downs. But after being separated from my family, I had to live on my own, I became known as Little Ron, by the humorous locals. These men of yours, George and Fredrick are my long-lost brothers." And then they began their tale.

_"It was a dark and stormy night, all of us little children were in bed _(all bloody seven of us, not counting poor mum and dad) _it was a howling storm and-_ (Idiot! It was noontime and mum was trying to change little sissy's diaper! Idiot, let me tell!") _So, it was about lunch time, I remember because I was so hungry _(Fred, you're always hungry! Shut up)_ and we were out playing in the courtyard, when the wind seemed to stand still and the birds stopped-_ (pooping)_ **singing** and there was this figure in the entrance to the yard, dressed in black clothes. He had a mask on, and as he approached, we all ran into the house, somehow not able to speak _(First and last time, I expect)._ He came in after us. I remember mum screamed, and dad came running in with only his bathrobe on. And the masked man said to us:_

"So…it has been long…" or something to that effect. He had a rasping voice, very scary (Fred here near wet himself, if I remember right…. smack) _And he was walking towards dad, who was trying to shield mum. Our older brothers, Billius, Charles Xaivier _(Excuse me? Sorry, just Charles) _and Percimuns tried to sneak us out, but when Billius tried to grab our sister, she wailed and the man turned around and saw us._

"Ahahahahaaaaaa!" he cackled evilly (He did not it was more like):

"_Mwahahahahaaa! he cackled gleefully_ (How can a villain be Gleeful? _Moving on_…) 

_"Insert laughing of choice here" he cackled insert 'adjective of choice here.' "How sad it is, that your daughter will never speak her first word, she must be content with wailing, until she is silenced forever!"_

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" yelled our dad.

"Yes."

"No!"

Yes!"

"No!"

Yes!"

"No!"

Yes!"

"No!"

Yes!"

"No!"

Yes!"

"No!"

Yes!"

"No!" (Fre-_ed_! Boring! Let Ron tell for a bit, eh? Yes, do!)

__

"Enough!!! For your families insolence, you all shall die!" And that's about the last thing that I heard, because Charles picked me up and threw me out the window. I landed on Billius's rather testy old pet cow, she took off, running and mooing and such, I held on for what seemed like hours, and then I found myself in these forests. That brave cow has long since passed away, she was my only friend. (Sniff, sniff) (Right then, hear what happened to me 'n Fred)

_We being little tykes, were transfixed with fright, and didn't notice you flying out the window, although now I do recall hearing the testy old cow make a fuss…anyway…._

"Enough!!! For your families insolence, you all shall die!" the Masked-man in black then turned to our sister's wailing form.

"Behold true fear, wench, before your last moments arrive!" and he whisked off his mask, and underneath was the grotesquest thing you could imagine, his face was mottled purple, and his right eye (Or was it the left? No, the right) _was baggy and drooped-he was none other then the Evil Pirate Droopy-Eye! _(Horrors!!!) _Our baby sister started such a fuss then, screaming and crying:_

"Ugwy! Ugwy!" (Translation: "Ugly! Ugly!")_at this final insult, the Evil Pirate Droopy-Eye loomed over her, ready to kill, and then- The End"_

"'What!!" the Merry Men yelled, jolted out of the tale so abruptly. George and Fred grinned sheepishly.

"We were both likely to fits back then…" The Merry Men gaped.

"You mean…"

"You fainted?" George and Fred pretended to not care.

"Rather weak, as children, very delicate." Little Ron, however, thought it was highly amusing and wouldn't stop laughing.

"You-gasp, gasp-fainted? Hahahahaha!" he didn't shut up until both of the Creevy brothers and George and Fred had sat on him. Even when they let him back up, he was still chuckling.

"And the Evil Pirate Droopy-Eye let you go?" asked Hairy Hood in mystified wonder "Why?" Fred looked flustered.

"Well, how are we to know? We were out cold!"

"Oh yeah…."

"We haven't seen hide nor hair of our older brothers, or sister of our parents. We suspect he got them. We woke up on the floor of the parlor, and no one was about." George and Fred sniffed dramatically. Hairy Hood patted their shoulders sympathetically.

"He got my parents too, almost me," he puffed up his chest "But, I managed to escape, with a bit of luck." and he winked at a empty spot in the air where he fancied the Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes was.

"You got something in your eye, mate?"

"Nah, he does that from time to time, dropped on the head as a babe, I heard."

"Ahhhh."

And so it was that Hairy Hood and his band of Merry Men carried on, one more in number, towards the castle who's lights they could see in the not-so-distant-distance.


	4. Turkeys and Yams

****

Hairy Hood Cast List:  
  
Harry...........................................Hairy Hood (Robin Hood)  
Ginny...........................................Maid Ginnian (Maid Marion)  
Ron................................................Little Ron (Little Jon)  
Hermione....................................Hermhilda (Ginnian's maid)  
Snape.......................................Sheriff of Snapingham (Sheriff of Nottingham)  
Draco.............................................Prince Draco (Prince Jon)  
Neville.........................................Friar Longbottom (Friar Tuck)

Seamus, Dean, Fred, George, Lee, Colin and Dennis Creevey……………….......Merry men  
Hedwig..................Hairy Hood's faithful steed, 'Steed' (Robins Horse)  
Lavender, Parvati, Pansy, and Padma.....................Ditzy Lasses/Bonnie Milkmaids  
Dumbledoor.............................................King Richard  
Voldemort................................................The Evil Pirate Droopy-eye

Wormtail.................................................Hangman

Cho Chang............................................. Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes

Crabbe and Goyle…………………………………Guards and such

* * *

* * *

Hairy Hood 

Chapter I 

Turkeys and Yams 

Hairy Hood and Maid Ginnian meet, and chaos ensues, as well as lessons on celibacy. Sheriff of Snapingham gets a new hat, Prince Draco gets some action (nasial and otherwise) and the Bonnie Hand Maiden flutters her eyelashes.

On that fateful day of the grand party, awaiting her one true love to finally show up (not that she knew he was coming) Maid Ginnian was getting bloody pissed off. The next time an old man attempted to look down (or up, in the case of that break-dancer) her dress in the pretense of dancing with her, she was going to do exactly what Hermhilda always preached about back in the tower: Grab, pull and twist.

"Miss? Uh, miss? Is thou's yam not tender enough for thee? Shall I fetch another?" 

"No." Maid Ginnian replied, smiling sweetly and releasing the yam, wiping her hands on her napkin. The page-boy looked immensely relieved, and walked away, legs crossed.

"How is your evening, fair maid?" Prince Draco whined, removing his crown from his head to polish a jewel, before replacing it back on his head and his finger in his nose.

"Quite fine, Majesty. I thank you again for honoring us with your invitation."

"Ah, no biggie. Anything to see Mudblood Granger in that dress- "

"WHAT!?"

"Oops."

And just in time to save Prince Draco from embarrassment (which Hairy would never have done knowingly)(Not that he ever did anything knowingly, incapable of thought as he his) Hairy Hood arrived.

"I am Hairy Hood. And _you_, Prince Draco, are-"

"Holy Crap! Those are tight tights!" Lady Padma Patil screeched. Hairy Hood looked a little disgruntled at being interrupted. 

"Oh, look Hermhilda! It's Hairy Hood. He's famous, he's going to rid us all of nose picking monarchs…sigh!" maid Ginnian fluttered her eyelashes and clasped her hands to her bosom. 

"Huh, what? Oh, yes." after the insistent taping of Little Ron, Hairy snapped out of his deep conversation of tight tights with Lady Padma Patil, and continued with the confrontation.

"Prince Draco!"

"Me?" Prince Draco removed his nose, arching his eyebrows and standing. "You dare speak to me? You are the cow droppings of my kingdom, and I will not tolerate your senseless prattle. Depart." He fluttered his hand majestically, and sat down.

"I may be cow droppings, but I besmirch your gold rimmed boots and smell up your carpet as you track me across it." Hairy Hood countered as an invisible Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes shook her head in dismay. 

"What part of 'depart' is confusing to you? Guards! These fiends were not invited, dispose of them!"

"Enguarde!" 

Well, it looked like the fight was doomed, after all, there were only two guards. Drat.

"Mumfleumfingung!" Crabbe and Goyle intelligently yelled, tied and gagged with pantyhose from one of Hairy Hood's least fruitful raids.

"Aha! I have defeated you, Prince Draco, and thus! I shall take from you your most precious possession!" Hairy Hood declared, advancing menacingly towards the head table where the nobles and Prince Draco sat.

"No! No! Leave me and my beautiful face! Take her instead!" Prince Draco screamed, hiding behind his golden chair and pointing at Maid Ginnian.

"What the heck? You're supposed to protect me from all evil's until my father returns! What do you think you're doing? You are supposed to be my guardian! But first, you lock me in the oppressing tower, and now you throw me to tight tight clothed vagrants! I shant have it! I shant!" Maid Ginnian yelled, throwing yams at Prince Draco and Hairy Hood in turns, who had become most unattractive to her when she saw him flirting so shamelessly with Lady Padma. 

"Hermhilda! Help me! Hermie?" Maid Ginnian stopped her yam hurling to see Hermhilda was giggling and fluttering her eyelashes rapidly in the direction of a tall red haired boy who was flexing his muscle and stroking an imaginary mustache. 

"ARGH!" Ginnian yelled, heaving yams again, infuriated by the plot to obviously strip her of her one companion.

"Sweet beauty! Gentle dove! Precious flower! I pray! Halt your chucking of vegetables! I would take you away from your home! Not if it would displease you so!" Maid Ginnian, stopped, yam clutched in her raised hand.

"What?" 

"Please, fair lady, believe I would do you know harm!" Hairy Hood pledged, jumping gracefully onto the table between them and kneeling on it.

"Now where the heck did that come from?" the Angel wondered aloud, realizing that Hairy Hood's actions were not inspired by her.

"My heart beats out of tune, just at the sound of your sweet voice, and you eyes are like pools of very deep, very pretty mud?" Hairy Hood continued, kissing Maid Ginnian's hand as she giggled sanelessly.

"Alright, cut that out right now! This is just disgusting! Can't you see I'm trying to eat here?" Sheriff of Snapingham shouted from his seat.

"You!" yelled Hairy Hood, vaulting down the table and landing in some Yorkshire pudding in front of Sheriff Snapingham.

"You are that fiendish man who took what little I had left of my family, my home, my dignity (my internet pictures!) when I had practically nothing! For that I shall never forgive you! For that, you shall pay!" and all the Merry Men drew their swords at once, quite impressive if you managed to block out Neville dropping his straight away.

" I think, not, you disgusting fool. Like your father, you will get what is coming to you." Snagingham replied, wiping his mouth daintily and rising, pulling out his own sword.

"You knew my-my father?" Hairy Hood whispered sadly. 

"Yes, and he was as a disgusting of an example of a man as you are." Snapingham laughed cruelly, his eyes glinting. 

"No!" yelled Hairy Hood defiantly. "My father was a great man! As I am! I believe in peace, justice and fairness! You, Sheriff Snapingham, are the disgusting example of a man."

"Then fight me, you coward!" Roared Snapingham, vaulting onto the table top.

"Hairy! No!" Yelled Ginnian, scrambling onto the table and running to the two men. "Oh Hairy don't! Snapingham is the best swordsman and archer in the kingdom! Probably the world! Oh Hairy please say you wont fight!" 

"My sweet, how difficult it is to choose between you and my pride."

Suddenly Snapingham lunged, sending the table rocking and Maid Ginnian flying off the table. "Are you all right, fair maiden?" called Hairy Hood, dodging and parrying Snapingham's blows.

"I suppose." she called dusting herself off.

The battle was long and fierce, and it became apparent that Maid Ginnian was right, and that despite the Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes assistance, Hairy Hood was bound to loose. When-

THUNK! I large stuffed turkey came flying through the air with deadly accuracy and kit Snapingham, on the noggin, knocking him unconscious.

"Why thank you, Little Ron!" exclaimed Hairy Hood, vaulting off the table to congratulate his friend, who was grinning broadly at a swooning Hermhilda and wiping his hands off on his pants.

"Oy Hairy, did you see me juggling turkeys? I was doing quite swell until that one went flying off in your direction."

"Hairy! Hairy!" Came a shout from the near hall. In ran Frederick and George.

"What is it?"

"Well, you see, we weren't trying to get caught, but we had this new trick wanted to try, and well-"

"In short, the whole populace of the kitchens are after us, and we must RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!"

"Good bye! But wait! I not my fair lady's name!" Shouted Hairy Hood, as this Merry Men dragged him out and the kitchen servants raced in.

"Ginnian! My name is Ginnain!" Ginnian yelled, to their retreat.

"And where can I find you?"

"I live in the tower on the hill on the middle of the Forbidden Forest!" She yelled after him. She sighed and turned around. 

"What is this mess?! Disgusting!" She shrieked disgustedly, as a fainted Prince Draco flopped to the ground, hog-tied Crabbe and Goyle bounced around the room trying to escape their bondage, and a turkey covered Sheriff Snapingham groaned and twitched slightly.

"Come Hermhilda! We shall depart, back to our tower! For god's sack, stop swooning and let's go! What if Hairy comes to rescue me and we're not there?" and seeing she was getting no response:

"What will that 'Little Ron' do if there is no Hermhilda to save?"

Hermhilda's eye's brightened and she hopped to her feet and nearly dragged Maid Ginnian out the door exclaiming: "What indeed!"


End file.
